last shabbat with the hippies... tear

One detail never overlooked in lifeguard training, in between CPR and the art of pretending to look attentive, is that you should always tell children about the special chemical in water. No, no, not chlorine, you hermans! I’m talking about that odorless, colorless, seemingly mystical additive that makes runaway urine turn red, thus giving anyone in the vicinity of a weak bladder free rein to taunt and torment. I always assumed this was just another poolside rumor, but I have recently received verbal proof that it is no myth: the chemical does exist, and we make it on Kibbutz Ketura!
See, most kibbutzim are built around agriculture, but the K-town commies figured out long ago that plants and milking cows get you nowhere. That’s why one of our biggest moneymakers is the Algaetech.

Algaetech – proper noun – outdoor laboratory for algae that disobedient volunteers occasionally must clean or paint white for no apparent reason.

To the naked eye, the algaetech looks like nothing more than grid upon grid of narrow metal pipes, which is pretty much what it is. But inside these pipes is a magical variety of algae that produces a beta-carotene substance known as “astaxanthin,” which is science-talk for “natural red dye.” It can be used for cosmetics, vitamins, fish, and, yes, swimming pool urinary delinquency! Oh how I joke. But really, it is used as a fish dye, specifically for salmon raised in the capitalist oppression of fish farms, where they are unable to eat the organic pigment in coral reefs and thus end up a displeasing hue of gray on your dinner plate. Since nobody wants to eat a big gray salmon steak, G-d has called on Kibbutz Ketura to supply fish farms worldwide with this substance to put the salmon (adjective, pinkish-orange color) in salmon (noun, breed of saltwater fish). As you can imagine, it is a great privilege to say that my current home is in fact the only place in the world where astaxanthin is produced naturally on a commercial level. So next time you’re eating a large slab of pink salmon, try not to think about the last time you saw me get drunk and pee somewhere inappropriate. Ha, I’m such a comedian today! I mean, maybe.

In other news, Sheri and Jenn moved out earlier this week and Miriam is up north with her Bet Fay for the weekend, so I have the whole shanty shed to myself until Sunday. I’m going to let you all vote on the most appropriate action plan.
1. Walk around naked. I mean, clearly. At least this time I have the good sense to not leave the door unlocked when I’m napping.
2. Pull all the beds together and roll around on them.
3. Go into antisocial mode and not talk to anyone and spend the entire weekend working on my “writing” and catching up on my “reading.” AKA watching lots and lots of Scrubs and Family Guy.
4. Call in sick for two days straight because I have the stomach flu. (Or, regrettably, what some might refer to as a delayed reaction to a salty smoothie.) Done and done.
Call in with your vote now!