I went to the book fair in Be’er Sheva today, and all the books were in Hebrew. How lame is that?

Quiz time!

The situation: You’ve just spent ten months in a group program, and you’ve learned from experience that group programs are pretty much the worst. Your plane ticket home is still good for another two months and you’re in no hurry to leave. What do you do?
The solution: Staff a different group program.

OTZMA ended last Wednesday. For a while there, I was a little worried about what would become of me without the motherly shoulder of the Jewish Agency to lean on. I envisioned myself in the fetal position on the streets of Jerusalem, crying uncontrollably and begging strangers for community service opportunities in exchange for a twin bed and a white bread sandwich. To my surprise, I have beaten the odds and found myself on the road to greater things in my future. Keep reading.

She’ela mispar shtyem!
The situation: You’re in charge of Young Judaea short-term summer programs. You just lost an Israeli madrich (counselor) who has to go back to school because the student strikes screwed up the university schedule and now the spring semester is running through the summer. What do you do?
The solution: Hire the hottest Israeli you can find.

Starting Thursday, I am officially an employee of Young Judaea. But what does that mean, exactly? The website has this to say: “Young Judaea is the oldest Zionist youth movement in the United States. Dedicated to instilling Jewish values, Jewish pride and a lifelong commitment to Israel, Young Judaea challenges Jewish youth to become involved in social and educational activities that develop and sharpen their senses of Jewish and Zionist identity.”
I’m reading this, and all I hear is this lovely choir singing in my ears, something along the lines of “lalalala perfect job for Shana, lalalalaaaa!” I’m absolutely seeping with Jewish pride, and I think it’s safe to say that I have a pretty solid sense of my Zionist identity. So via the avenues of my ridiculously good looks, my decidedly un-awkward social skills, and my newfound Israeli citizenship, I am delighted to be the newest madricha for this summer’s Young Judaea Nofim Alef teen tour. It’s too bad all the informational emails are intended for Israeli readers and therefore are in Hebrew, because as of now I have no idea what this entails, besides traveling around the country for three weeks with 25 Jewish 15- to 17-year-olds from the US. Ooowaah!

And yet another one!
The situation: You’re in a foreign country, and both your debit card AND your credit card have been stolen. You have one credit card left and no way of getting money out of an ATM, and you only have 500 shekels in your wallet. What do you do?
The solution: Learn to eat like a rabbit.

By now you may have realized that I am totally obsessed with Kiryat Shmonah, probably more so than anyone has ever loved living in a Middle Eastern periphery town in the history of OTZMA. And for that reason, the San Francisco federation let us keep the keys to our vacation condo until yesterday, which solved the problem of finding a free place to live for a few days. Also, I’ve probably eaten at least 3000 cucumbers in the last week as that is the cheapest food available in Israel. But fear not, parents, for I am currently visiting Uncle Moshe and Aunt Tsippy, and we all know that their favorite hobby is fattening Shana up.