how i spent my day off from doing, umm, nothing

One of my goals for my time here in Jerusalem is to become comfortable with the Old City. In the past, I’ve done my very best to avoid this unbearable place, often at the cost of sitting in hostel rooms by myself, and for good reason. I simply do not enjoy the Old City. I find it quite outdated and awfully religious. In addition, I tend to get lost whenever I try to navigate the mazelike passages on my own, and recurrently find myself in areas where it does not pay to be Jewish, Israeli, or even American. But now that I am an official resident of Jerusalem, I think it is important that I familiarize myself with the Old City to the point that I no longer choose my bus route based on whether or not it passes by the Jaffa Gate.

For my first attempt at reaching this goal, I headed to the imaginary area known as the “Armenian Quarter.” Nobody really knows what exists in this section, and to tell you the truth, there isn’t much, mostly because the Armenians are a fictitious people and definitely aren’t a religious body of significance equal to that of the Christians, the Muslims, or especially the Jews. The only major historical site in the Armenian Quarter is of course the Armenian Museum, which is located in an ancient abbey and hasn’t really been updated in about two decades. All of the “information” presented in the museum has to be taken with a grain of salt; I mean, if they’re trying to pass off their so-called “genocide” as a factual occurrence, then who knows what other lies are being presented as historical truth?

Upon leaving the museum, I promptly found myself lost in the Muslim Quarter. If you’re at all familiar with the layout of the Old City, there may be some doubt in your mind as to how this works, considering the Armenian Quarter and the Muslim Quarter don’t even come into contact with each other. However, I assure you that not only is this outcome possible, but it is highly probable, when you happen to possess the instinctive orientation of a shoelace. It is also particularly likely when you’re on a hunt for the best shawarma available within these crumbly walls, which is apparently sold next to the Damascus Gate exclusively.

Anyway, the Muslim, Armenian, and Christian quarters were all completely new to me, so I reacted in the same way one would expect of any American in my situation – I spent lots and lots of money. The top purchase of the day was a keffiyeh, obviously not the red and white kind worn by terrorists, but a white and rainbow-colored one that is fit for either a princess or a homosexual genie. And it gets better: despite my unmistakably American accent and my downright un-Arab appearance, I was able to haggle the price down to a moderately respectable sum.

The whole negotiating process made me think. We seldom give you tourists the recognition you deserve – you actually have it quite rough! You’re in a strange land, trying to reconnect with your Judaism and pick up a few souvenirs along the way, and on top of being jetlagged and constipated and therefore unseasonably irritable, you also have to deal with being ripped off by local vendors! Although I may be a clear-cut American (by upbringing, anyway), at least I am fortunate enough to possess acute bargaining abilities, ripened with practice and sheer talent. However, the rest of you aren’t as capable as I am, and are instead urged to hide the fact that you are nothing more than a credit card out for a joyride in the Holy Land. For that reason, I have put together a list of advice for the budget-conscious globetrotter, which I like to call:

Shana’s Guide to Fooling the Natives into Believing You’re One of Them

1. Transportation
• It goes without saying that anyone who has spent more than an hour in Israel has the credentials necessary to author “Israeli Driving for Dummies” or something of that nature, but I’m operating under the assumption that the typical, frugal tourist is not traveling by private car. This therefore leaves two main modes of transportation: cabs and buses. The general norm in Jerusalem is that taxis are for tourists, and buses are for locals. But herein lies the distinctive behavioral modifications that must occur in order to ride a bus like a true Israeli. Please pay attention because this detail is easily overlooked: When you step onto a near-empty bus, stop and take note of your surroundings before finding a seat. Do not, I repeat, do not sit on a bench by yourself. Seek out the unaccompanied passenger sitting off to the side or at the back of the bus, and park yourself directly next to him. If he is Israeli, he will not flinch, and neither should you. Once you have mastered this task, practice eating a crumbly chocolate bar or a melting popsicle while leaning over your neighbor’s lap.
2. The "Other" Mode of Transportation
   
• Memorize and repeat this mantra as necessary: “I will not walk in a straight line.” Think of it this way: you are a misguided bowling ball, and the sidewalk is your bumpered alley. Make it a point to walk in a zigzag formation of a roughly 100 degree angle, except when approaching a fellow pedestrian headed in the opposite direction, in which case it is your duty to walk directly into his path. After all, you live here, so he should be moving out of your way.
• A second part of this is that however slow your natural walking pace might be, you must cut it in half. If you need some kind of reference speed, keep in mind that in between steps you ought be able to mentally recite the entire traveler’s prayer, which should be inscribed on a keychain attached to your backpack.
3. Bags (This one applies to male tourists only)
• Men – important items such as your wallet, cell phone, and tanakh should be carried in some sort of fanny pack. I realize that this may seem to be more related to appearance and therefore redundant, but I feel that the distinctively Israeli desire to own a fanny pack falls under the category of personality disorder, and is therefore a corrigible behavior. The pack, however, should not be worn covering the fanny as was intended, but instead draped over the shoulder like a man-purse.
4. Footwear (Female tourists, specifically)
• Remember that orthopedic shoes are for the weak. No hiker in six-inch-heels has ever been mistaken for a tourist.

Stick to my list and you’ll find yourself paying lower prices in no time. The only remaining problem is how to guide yourself without visibly referring to a map, because everyone knows that asking the locals for directions will get you nowhere.