i'm going hooome

I walk past the president’s house on my way to work every morning, a fact that I try to boast about as much as possible. My uncle responded by cheerfully informing me that the Hebrew word for “the president” is coincidentally the same as the word for “my rapist.” I’m not one to point fingers, but it seems that Father Hebrew, Mr. Ben Yehuda himself, had a bit of an interesting sense of humor, or at least some kind of clairvoyance. Yeah, my Hebrew conversational skills just reached a new level of sophistication.
With this new information at hand, I marched back to the office responsible for my imprisonment, El Al Airlines, in order to argue my case once again. Alas, I was told for the fifth time that my ticket does indeed expire on August 14, and, try as I might, no public tantrum or devious maneuver involving lies about fatally ill relatives can get me out of it. Their best offer was a morning flight on August 8th, and, without divulging too many details, that just wasn’t gonna work for me.
[Note: Many of you have asked for a more informative explanation. I mean, if you guys want evidence of rational decision-making, you’ve come to the wrong place, but you should know that I don’t let anyone tell me what to do, including El Al Airlines.]
I thought about setting up a PayPal account so all my loyal readers could donate to the cause, but then I remembered, umm, what loyal readers? So I set to work on finding an affordable plane ticket, working on a budget of roughly a handful of agarot and a pocketful of dreams. I was pleased to discover that this sum grants me the possibility of a layover in such exotic locations as Athens, Amman, Istanbul, and Kiev. I almost had an itinerary reserved through a Greek airline, when I remembered that there’s no reason to endure the physically demanding process of changing planes when I can actually stay seated in one place for the entire trip. And that’s when I found Israir.
Rumor on the street has it that Israir’s planes are made out of recycled Fanta bottles and duct tape, but you didn’t hear it from me. Hey, you get what you pay for, which is evidently a much smaller amount when you’re soulless and willing to fly on either September 11th or Yom Kippur. At that point it was a toss up, considering I’m going to hell either way, but I might as well travel on a day when all the duty free shops will be open for business. Nine-eleven it is.